literature

Panics

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"I hurt someone today," tears rolled down Darwin's cheeks only to land and soak into his lap.
"I'm sure you didn't mean to. We all hurt people from time to time, whether we mean to or not." A kangaroo reaches out to pet the wolf's back as he continues to cry.
"But I hurt her Jay... I hurt Haley by," Darwin hesitated and took a chance to sniffle. "I just hurt her okay?"
"Did you hit her or say something cruel?"
"No... We had sex again," his face turned grave.
"So she said she could never see you again or something?" Jay tilted his head and tried to grasp at everything his friend said.
"No Jay... Well sort of. I promised her that we'd never be in private or have physical contact anymore. In making her feel good I made her feel terrible. She can't love me like I love her and this time my honest actions to make her happy ended up with her being regretful and hating herself."
"Haley said that she couldn't bear to bring herself to leading you on anymore, even though you fully understand that the sex doesn't mean anything to her," the wolf flinched as Jay spoke. "Damnit Darwin, I told you to stop."
"I don't need your condescending shit right now Jay... I just... I just want to make her happy and want her to BE happy," Darwin broke down into tears again and Jay sighed.
"You're losing weight for her and she doesn't really care. You make sure that you can be there for her and you just end up getting hurt," Jay glared at the wolf, who had started to say "stop." "I'm not going to stop! You need to get it through your thick skull that it's never going to happen or else you're going to kill yourself in the process!"
"I know!" He yelled with such force that the kangaroo recoiled. "It's all I know how to do Jay. Christ, if I could be the asshole you are who sleeps with three chicks a week and then blows them off without a care I would just kill myself here and now. You never gave a shit about any girl you've ever been with. Sometimes, I would love to be like that. Be able to be attracted to someone one moment and then another person the next but I can't. It's really fucked up Jay, when the one time I finally break out of my shell to do something I want and it turns out that I can't even have that. Why the hell am I even telling you this, you don't care."
"I care Darwin, honest," he sat up, "but you're going through all this trouble for one girl. She ain't all that special."
"Maybe not to you, dick, but Haley isn't just 'some girl' to me. She's the girl I've fought with, the one I've drawn countless things with. She's helped me write when I got stuck, hell she played nurse the night I got hit by that car! So don't you go telling me that she is just 'some girl' because Haley is so much more than that."
"She's a waste of your time," Jay frowned.
"My time or yours?" Darwin growled his frustration and turned away from his friend. "... I'm like her knight. Sure, I'm not in shining armor or anything but she's a princess to me and that is more meaningful to her than anything someone like you can say. Yeah, she can be cruel. On more than one occasion she has broken my heart but in the end I can't blame her. There are better looking guys in the world than me, most probably won't treat her as carefully and as genuinely as I do but..." Darwin's ears folded back as he swallowed, "but I can't let that get to me. I'm not her master or anything. I can't leash her to myself any more than I can make you do your college work Jay. If she believes that flirting with an Adonis or some shit like that will lead to eternal happiness, what right do I have to claim otherwise?" Oddly, Darwin's lips pull back into a small smile as he talks. "To many people it might not seem fair in the slightest that I give to her the purist loyalty I have ever had while she returns only bits of affection here and there, if anything at all. The point is lost in that thought though. It was never about putting enough loyalty and happiness just to receive any sort of points on her charts. I was determined to be the way I was because I believe that she deserves to be happy and nothing is gonna stop me from helping her."
"God you're a selfless idiot," Jay sighs and stands to stretch his legs. "But... You're doing what you think is right. Personally, I still don't see why she's so worth it to you but as long as you're doing that and believe it's what you should do then by all means keep it up. As your friend, I want you to be happy too."
"A lot of what I do with her makes me happy. When we share a venti cause we don't have enough for two grandes, the days where one of us is too lazy to pull out our sketch book so we end up drawing in each other's or how we make a remark on something and it reminds us of another thing which only we understand." Darwin could go on and on about the things that made him happiest but Jay stopped him as he took a breath.
"Alright alright alright, jeez. I asked that you stay happy, not give me the millions of things that you enjoy." Darwin chuckled as Jay sighed. "So you just take the shit thrown at you?"
"It's more that I understand why it happens. It's not because she wants to hurt me or anything, she's just being who she is. Like I said, she doesn't feel like she'll be 100% content with me because she isn't attracted to me. Sure, I'll admit that she's very shallow but if either of us is going to change I'm going to change first. That's why I'm losing weight and all that. It's to meet her current standards or at least be closer to them than I am now so that she wouldn't have to change."
"Isn't she going after some other guy though?" Jay remarks coolly and smirks when the jab makes Darwin whine. "Someone who isn't fat, someone who isn't brown haired or a wolf. Someone who isn't you."
"Shut... Shut up Jay," Darwin shook as he spoke. One of his paws came up to grip at his chest and Jay almost stopped from further hurting the wolf. Almost.
"He's so handsome and skinny and NOT Darwin!" Jay mimicked a high pitch tone then proceeded to mock spit on the floor while grabbing a pack of cigarettes from the counter to his right. "And that's why she won't date you. God, you really had me going there for a second and believing that all you wanted was her happiness but shit, I mention the things that make you most insecure and you look like you're about to have a heart attack or something stupid like that." Darwin started to tremble a lot more now, his paw tightening on his chest as his breathing grew labored. "Come the fuck on Darwin, I know you're a pussy but seriously you have got to pull yourself together!"
"J-Jay?" Darwin gasped and wheezed.
"What!" The kangaroo grunted as he put the yellow part of the thin cylinder to his lips and lit the other end.
"I th-think," the wolf wheezed heavily again, "I'm having an," He took one last gasp of breath before tumbling forward and collapsing on the floor, paw clutching his chest as he struggled to breathe.

"I want...... Friend Darwin!" Sounds and voices faded in an out of Darwin's mind as he slowly regained consciousness.
"We can't... He's barely recovered from... Attack and an Asthma attack." He faintly recognized one of the voices as Jay's.
"I don't give... Lady! He's my roommate and.... If he's okay!"
Darwin's eyes snapped open and he spent a good three minutes staring at the ceiling while Jay argued with the nurse. He could hear the kangaroo going on and on about how he was technically Darwin's closest thing to family right now since they were off vacationing for the holidays while Darwin worked on his college studies.
"If you don't let me see him, I'll" Jay took a moment to collect his thoughts but wasn't allowed to finish.
"For the love of god Jay, shut the hell up," Darwin groaned and then coughed. He was parched but was happy to find that the nurse had left him a glass of water by his bed.
"How do you feel?" The nurse was at his side, inspecting monitors and charts that made no sense to Darwin.
"Like I had a painful sleep and my chest is on fire." He sat up, only to be reprimanded by the nurse.
"You have to take it easy; you had a panic attack which triggered an asthma attack. Don't push yourself too hard."
"Wow, haven't had an asthma attack since I was 15," Darwin chuckled and coughed lightly. "You mind if I talk to my friend Jay for a little bit? I'm sorry for anything he's said, he's an idiot."
"You want to let that little loud mouth brat in here?" She sighed when Darwin nodded, "Fine fine, just remember to take it easy."
Darwin watched as the nurse walked out of the room and over to Jay. It looked like he had spent the entire time arguing with an Orderly and immediately had a face of dread when told that I specifically wanted to talk to him alone. He was quick to come into the room and close the door behind him but he grew apprehensive as he didn't know if he should pull up a chair or stand. He settled for standing next to the bed.
"How long have I been out?" It was a genuine question and Darwin felt like he had been under for months.
"Just a day," Jay gulped. "Look, I'm sorry that" Darwin held up a paw and silenced him.
"It's okay Jay, I didn't know I'd have a panic attack of all things and neither did you."
"I kept pushing and pushing though, it was my fault regardless," Jay frowned. "Stop trying to make me feel better cause you're just making me feel worse." Darwin laughed before coughing heavily.
"Weren't we arguing about that? How my desire to help royally fucks up things? Here's just another damn example on how me being me messed up everything." He groaned and held his chest as rivulets of pain came and went.
"It's not your fault in the slightest Darwin. I wanted to keep arguing." Jay kept his gaze away from Darwin, as if ashamed to look at him.
"I'm alive aren't I? So don't beat yourself up."
"Only if you don't blame your kindness." Jay retorted and finally looked at Darwin's face. Their eyes met and the wolf could tell that Jay hadn't slept since the incident. As Darwin was about to speak, he got a whiff of someone. It was female, it was feline.
It was Haley.
"Can I come in?" She had her hands clasped over something as she approached the bed stricken wolf. Jay quickly slipped out of the room and the seconds ticked by as Darwin kept his gaze away. Eventually, he dared a glance at her face and smiled as genuinely as if they were getting chai.
"Hi."
"Hi," Haley grinned and swished her tail.
"How did you know I was here?" He sighed, relaxed and started wagging his tail.
"A little birdy told me," she dug out her cellphone and tapped on the Flitter App. "I follow you and Jay. He said you were here."
"So far you and Jay are the only people to come visit," Darwin sighed and closed his eyes. "I guess that's how long my friend list goes."
"Don't say that, you've got plenty of friends."
"Yeah but none who would take time out of their day to visit besides you and Jay. Though, he's probably only here to make sure I can still help pay rent. You know how much he doesn't like his parents."
"I know. He doesn't stop complaining about it." She chuckled and sat on the bed, her paw lying atop his.
"That's Jay for you." Darwin gently squeezed her paw and she squeezed back. "What's the card for?" He pointed towards the object in her other hand which was sealed within a pink envelope.
"For you to get out of the hospital soon," Haley's muzzle parted into a shy grin and it worked wonders to make Darwin happy.
"It was nothing too bad," his tail thumped audibly against the bed now. "Just an asthma attack is all. Caught me off guard."
"Don't... Don't make me have to come back here again," Haley's tone had lowered and her tail stopped swaying. "I was... I was afraid I'd find you comatose or mauled or worse!" The feline turned and smacked his arm. Darwin merely stared at his bed sheets. "God, I was so close to losing it because I thought you were gone you idiot!"
"I'm still here though Haley, that's what's important." He looked himself over again. He could've died. He could've been gone forever and caused so many people grief. Caused Haley so much grief. Instantly, he was grateful for his life and he turned adamantly towards Haley. "I promised you that I wouldn't leave your side, didn't I?"
"You did," Haley shivered slightly, "and so far you've kept your promise. There will come a time when you will no longer care about me anymore and can finally move on but for now, I'm glad I have you."
"Haley, I've said this before, I l..." the word love caught in his throat and he quickly changed it. "I like you too much to ever be able to truly forget you."
"What were you going to say?" She crossed her arms, tail flicking as Darwin gulped.
"What do you mean?"
"You changed your sentence half way through. I want to hear what you were going to say originally." It was impossible to argue against her and they both knew it.
"... You know what I was going to say Haley, don't make me say it. When I do, you act differently, as if just mentioning that word is taboo for me around you and I don't want you storming out on me because..."
"Because what Darwin?"
"Because... Because I love you Haley, and I have for so long. That's why I know you won't fade away anytime soon, if at all." Haley's features smoothed out as he spoke and her tail started to swish behind her again. "I care so much about you and I don't want to make you feel awkward around me just because of how I feel about you."
"Silly wolf," she scooted closer to him and pulled him into a hug, "I care about you too Darwin. You mean a lot to me. You treat me so nicely, you compliment me and are just there for me when I need you before I even ask."
"You deserve it though, you're such a wondrous person Haley," he couldn't help but affectionately nuzzle the feline as he hugged her close and Haley reciprocated the action.
"But I've hurt you, I've mistreated you and it's unfair that I can't love you," she gripped onto him and closed her eyes. "I was thinking about that, about how messed up love is because if it really was as divine as people say it is then it would let me fall in love with you and the idea of it upsets me. I don't feel like I deserve anything you give me and yet you keep on persisting with affection and kindness."
"You are worth so much to me and I would never give you up for anything in the world. I don't care about when you broke my heart, or when we fought. I couldn't help but worry about you even then because although bad things happen, all the good times I ever experience with you more than outweigh them and keep me happier than ever."
"Do you mean that?" Her eyes glimmered as she stared straight into his.
"I would never lie to you about something like this, I promise you that." Darwin sighed happily and looked down sheepishly as he glimpsed a smile creeping across Haley's muzzle. The bed shifted slightly and for a moment, everything was still.
Another creak brought their lips together for a single, frozen fraction of time.
"Love of mine," Darwin started to hum softly, "someday you will die but I'll be close behind, I'll follow you into the dark."
"No blinding light, or tunnels to gates of white," Haley touches her forehead to Darwin's as she added the next line. "Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark."
"If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied," the pair started to sing barely above an audible whisper as their tails intertwined. "Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs. If there's no one besides you, when your soul embarks; then I'll follow you into the dark."

"Hey Darwin?"
"Yes Haley?"
"I... I love you, it's an odd love, but I love you."
"... I love you and your odd love too."
Darwin is troubled by his affections for a girl whom he's admired for years now. Jay tried to understand his roommate's problems but both of them have radically different ideas on romance and love.
On one hand, Darwin is one to slowly delve into love and finally decides to release his inhibitions and persist in making Haley happy and to make her feel loved. Jay is, however, more inclined to flirt with whatever catches his fancy that moment and will usually stay away from any sort of deep relationships with anyone. It is this that creates the controversy over Haley, who believes that no matter what Darwin will never be able to have her in any sort of relationship. Jay is quick to point out his opinion that Haley is not worth all the effort she puts Darwin through but Darwin reveals that all the time he's ever spent with her has been some of the most cherished in his life.
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AegisVIISurvivor's avatar
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